Lost, and Found

Media Slow, Media Fast

(Swap, Sweep, Swap, Smack. Cough, Cough.)

Just came by to do bit of house keeping on the blog because it sure has been a decade since I updated. Haha, it's not wonder this place smells of cold, motionless air. Perhaps the time has come to bid goodbye to this blog forever?

Anyway, Media Fast is starting in one and the half more hours and I'm pretty excited to go. To know we're all going to be able to survive without media and entertainment - I'm sure that will blow some minds! To me, media fast is like a siren warning us that we have become too dependent on the media today. At the mention of media fast you could hear all the gasp and chattering going on in the background. But I'm sure as we pull through this one month of total dependability on God; and not only on what the rest of the world depends on, what a sense of victory we will experience!

I don't know if this is going to be easy for me. I believe every single one participating in this fast will struggle in an aspect or the other. Be it secular music, youtubing, facebooking, potato couch-ing etc. Yet, as we do this together and learn as one body to lay down all other distractions and focus on God, I believe we'll see a great great breakthrough not only in our youth ministry but also for our personal lives. Afterall, all we're doing right now if putting God back on His rightful place in our lives!

Just the thought of that excites me. Well if you're tempted to give in, remember you're not alone. Encourage and support one another, we're all be able to overcome :)

Carmen's ready to embark on this exciting journey in discovering God in a deeper, more intimate way. Ready? Set, GO!

Who wrote the book on our Salvation, who covers me in Grace
Kari Jobe - I'm Singing

Hoho, it's really been a month since I updated this blog. Perhaps laziness and a bit of revision has slapped a 'dead' tag on my blog. But guess who's here to rescue neverleftbehind.bs from the grave?

I just finished my second paper (the second LAST paper) an hour ago. Well, last Saturday I probably sat for the toughest paper I have ever taken in NP. Okay, maybe it was difficult because I wasn't very prepared for it. Today's paper was less of a terror. I could attempt most of the questions except one. I hope Ms Ho will never figure that that script was mine, else, I wouldn't imagine. Aiyah, staffing strategy, why didn't it cross my mind! Haha. Okay, minus how the paper went, I'm happy cause Friday will be the last. Just have to soak in like a sponge my IR notes these 2 days.

A little late update, this 19th birthday was an awesome one!
Ms Ho (yes, the one I was hoping doesn't look at my script) secretly, with the help of Vanessa, lined up a dinner celebration. She brought some classmates and I to The American Club at Claymore. It was a very nice place and a really good dinner that's of extremely huge American portion. When the waitress walked in with the cake, I was still staring at her blankly until she placed it in front of me, then it clicked. Thank God for Ms Ho and the classmates.

On Thursday, Joy and Kimmy coordinated a really sweet surprise. Joy put JL's (smelly) jacket over my head and made me walk from Orchard MRT to Paragon. I felt so embarrassed, but Joy felt worst! The big surprise came when I saw half the table occupied by my school friends. We had a good lunch at the super-duper shiok Bakerzin! Triple 'Yay' for that; church friends, school friends, and cakes! The highlights of our lunch:
1. Taking a picture with the Baker of Bakerzin requested by ol'wise JL (just because I love the cakes at Bakerzin so much, I said I would marry the baker.)
2. Received a purple turtleneck - Classic!

Blocked out the night for time with Dad. I totally loved it when he came home with a Polar Hello Kitty Cake. I know, aww, it was the sweetest thing. We headed out to Chinatown to satify my long-time craving for frog leg porridge.

Okay, so it was a very good birthday and I was happy. How could I not be with 17 cakes (big and small) and all the well wishes.

I'm 19. And I'm thankful to God. For 19 years of grace and mercy, for the 19 years He gave me. For the 19 years of friendships and kinships. And an eternity worth of greater and better things to come. I'm grateful, and I'm singing.

It was supposed to be a short post, I wonder what happened.
I think it's because, I'm 19.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Tell you something really funny. It's been so long since I posted, when I opened my dashboard, my reflex was to lift my hands, to dust the screen. Oh well, must have been all the projects and late nights lah.

Integrated project report is finally done, and I can't be happier! Burnt my Sunday in school with the group and Ms Ho, who was very kind to have came back to help us. We left school at 8pm, and work continued till the following morning for Vanessa and I. So now you understand, why I'm really rejoicing that it's over:) Now I'm really praying that God will come through; teachers have been giving negative reports and it's pretty worrying.

But I shan't, for worrying can do nothing. So rather, I'd put my faith in a God that can do all things. (Matthew 6:25-34)

Perhaps it's only human that we worry when things don't go right, or when things are uncertain yet mean so much to you. There are countless times in my life that I worry, and I'm sure it's the same for you too.

But it just occured to me, how worrying actually means we do not trust God. Then why do we sing of how He never fails, of how He will always make a way when there seems to be no way? Isn't He Jehovah Jireh, The Lord our Provider?

My God's so big, there's nothing that He cannot do, nothing.
No mountains too big that He cannot move,
No skies too high that He cannot reach,
No valleys too deep that He cannot be there,
No oceans too wide that He cannot cross.
Not to say,
No needs too great for that He cannot meet,
No sins too grave that He cannot forgive,
No hearts too hard that He cannot touch,
No persons too sinful that He cannot love.

This is the Big and Mighty God that I serve. Nothing, nothing is too difficult for Him. So why worry?

Lost But Now I'm Found

Titus 3:4-7
"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.
But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."

Tonight as I was sitting at my desk, an overwhelming sense of gratitude began to flood this tiny heart of mine as I recalled what life was without God. I can boldly declare, that I'm nothing like I used to be. And I thank God, for at the right time, He found me and marvellously saved me.

So I've decided tonight, I won't stay silent any longer. I need to testify of what He's done.

All my life, I never knew what is it like to have a family that is whole. Well, mine is broken. My mum left for Japan to work, when I was really young. At that time, I have not learn to talk, nor to walk. When I was 2, dad and mum's relationship soured; they decided to separate. Ever since then, mum left the home and dad had to care for me.

Being the man, daddy had to work and so I had to be babysit by relatives. I was a kid on the go; I was passed from one house to another when they could no longer look after me. Until I finally settled in Auntie Ruby's house (Michelle's mum). Even then, I didn't felt like I belong. After all, my auntie has her own three children to tend to.

All this I guess, led to my strong need for acceptance and also, birthed a deep sense of rejection in my heart. Then, I hated my mum for abandoning me.

In primary 3, I finally saw dad and mum together, side by side. The only memory of them together lies at the back of my mind. That was when they met up to sign the divorce papers. I remember crying in the room, in my grandmother's arms. She just kept repeatedly saying, 'everything is going to be okay, you'll understand when you grow up'. Now that I'm older, yes, I understand.

After 8 years of staying with Auntie Ruby, I finally moved home to live with dad, and hello secondary school life. Daddy didn't stop working so more often than not, I was always alone at home, or maybe out. It was at this stage of my life, I turned very rebellious.

Since secondary one, I started using swear words as my punctuations and exclamations. All sorts of swear words, both in English and in dialect. Got into wrong relationships one after another. Backstabbed my own peers and got backstabbed. Had a great need for attention and sympathy that I did dumb things to get the attention. Was still full of hatred not only towards others but also towards myself. Thought I was a failure and a mistake, I bore thoughts of death. Slammed doors at dad when he made me angry. I was easily influenced by peer pressure, pick up the thrill of shoplifting.

But everything changed when God found me. All He told me was how much He loved me, that I was worth His life. He accepted me for who I was. At that moment, I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. His Love was overwhelming. I was set free of a lot of bondages; the need for accepted, rejection, hatred etc.

Even as I type down these things of whom I used to be. I'm amazed at how much God has worked in me. I didn't deserve to be saved, but He saved me anyway. Thus, we have really nothing to boast about us. It is by His mercy and grace alone that I am who I am today. I used to be a trash through and through, but now He has made me a jem, precious.

It isn't a glorious past to talk about. But there is nothing to be ashamed of. Because I was blind but now I see, was lost but now I'm found. I believe God has His purposes for allowing things to happen, that I may stand as a witness of His life-transforming power. I'll never be the same.

Don't be held by guilt, shame, condemnation about your past. If God has delivered you and changed you, testify!

Victors

Romans 8:37
"Yet in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us"

Since the break of Youth Camp, there's an unspeakable joy that has found its rest upon my heart. It's almost like a new excitement, an anticipation of something that's going to take place. It's almost like the season is now, the time has come, for greater things to happen!

It could be one of the many post-youthcamp symptoms which includes campsick, super high level of hype and energy for any and everything, and of course, a whole new wave of excitement about doing great things for God in our generation. How can anyone stay indifferent when we see strongholds come tumbling down and people set free?

My God is just so awesome.

I believe everyone has received a touch from God. Be it a renewal of strength, a reminder of calling, or a fresh new work, God has moved uniquely in every individual heart.

He is still moving in mine. I testify with a gratefulness how God has reminded me of the calling He has placed upon my life. I know my purpose and destiny in this life and in His Kingdom. I know the reason I live. But so often, I let loose and try to take the easier way out. Perhaps at a time or two, think I know better. Not forgetting those moments I thought it was okay to shelf His plans for later.

It's not that difficult to feel all pumped up now and at one go, run a distance at the fastest speed my legs could carry me. I could make a good head start but that doesn't equate to finishing well. I know I'm guilty of many times, making promises and commitments at conference and camp altars that I find myself failing at the end. So often we subconsciously fall into a cycle of hype right after camp and then getting back into routine a few months after that. This also applies to the other little commitments we tell God we'll abide by; stop a habit, break an addiction etc.

But the matter of fact is, God has made us victors, more than conquerors in our situations. Even before we could step unto the battlefield, the battle has already been won. Not by our might, nor by our strength, but only by the death of Jesus that overcame. We were not made to climb out of a pit, rejoice and after a couple of days jump back into the black hole again. It may sound silly but I suppose many of us are guilty of it. I know I am. Sometimes we knowingly approach that very same hole we came out of to test and see, how much further can I go before I fall in. We think we know. We allow distractions and worries of this life subtly put off the passion in our hearts. Then we wonder, why is it we aren't able to totally break free?

A commitment needs discipline to keep, and a calling needs to be guarded, again with discipline. Even when we don't feel like running any longer, we hang on, we press forward. Find a partner to commit to run along side with you. I remember how I dated Michelle out for a jog and if it hadn't been for her, I would have given up after 200m. I'm glad I pressed forward, and I'm glad she ran with me. Holding on to our calling, we need to know that we don't have to be trapped in the cycle of passiveness that follows after. We are more than conquerors, and can break out of this routine with the discipline of a warrior, and the support of an army.

You Deserve The Highest Honour

Howdy, I've finally decided to get the fingers working to update this really stagnant blog.

Really have got to thank God for giving me a 3-weeks break from school. It's what I really need. And the holidays has been awesome so far.

Last Saturday I witness the baptism of so many from our church, and some of these stick really close to my heart:) So often, we view baptism as nothing more than a ritual and miss the significance and the real value behind that symbolic act. Water baptism is definitely more than an activity or an event, it's the birth of a new life with Christ. And so, I did rejoice and celebrate as some of my close friends and younger youths made that decision. Haha, Congratulations, you know who you are!

Youth Camp 2009 - Elevate was a blast! :) :) :) Carmen gives 10 thumbs up for all the super-enthu teams, the extremely diligent fellow games helper, comm members that slog their guts out together, and of course the most important of all; the beautiful presence of God.

I know that everything worked out for games only because God made it possible. It was a learning experience, together with the wonderful comm. Oh, have I mentioned, that everyone of them, faces or behind-the-scenes, at camp or not at camp contributed significantly:) Everyone's a blessing, no more, no less. As for me, I learned really to depend only on God. I failed myself, so many times. But hey, He never never fails. And in fact, He picks me up at points of desperation and turn the tables around. Now, tell me, how great is my God! Great games, weather, everything else credits to God, ultimate games comm head :D

Games aside, I did make it a point to sit and receive in sessions. He reinforce the calling He has for me. Obedience and total surrender are His words for me. Perhaps it wouldn't be exactly the easiest path to ride along, but I've decided that I'm going His way. No doubt there are uncertainties about what's ahead, but I'm certain my God's with me, holding me in His hands. And really, that's all I need to know.